Okay. I’ll be honest, I didn’t mind the Little Hairless Pup when she was actually little, and actually hairless. And actually not walking all over the place and pulling my fur and poking my eyes. Now, she kind of gets on my nerves sometimes. Like, sometimes, we’ll be just, like, playing, and it’s like, fine. But then out of nowhere she jams her finger in my eyeball.
The one thing that makes it worth it….is the food. …
I’m not sure if I’ll ever recover from the events of today. I’ve never been so…scared? No, terrified.
10 HOURS EARLIER
Bekah has been popping pills like a drug addict lately, and eating only soft foods. So I presume that she’s got worms, and Lewis took her to the vet this morning. When humans get worms they call it an “abscessed tooth.” Whatever the case, we were alone with the LHP and her caregiver, Celine. Celine’s totally one of my favorite people of all time. Here’s why:
1) She’s French. French people are tres sophisticated, like me.
2) She takes care of us while Bekah and Lewis are gone, and she’s waaaaay nicer than they are.
The LHP and Celine
So, Wiley and I went outside, so Celine and the LHP could play on the floor. Totally fine with me, as I needed to pee.
(read in the voice of Florence, which sounds uncannily like a 14-year-old Claire Danes)
My world has been turned upside down.
In just a few short hours I went from being the single neediest being in this house, to one of the grown ups. Not that I’m not prepared. Just that I wasn’t… expecting it?
In which Florence experiences her first bout of puppy love.
(read in the voice of Florence, which sounds uncannily like a 14-year-old Claire Danes)
Sigh…so this is love.
I guess I just…didn’t get it. I mean, it’s like, for your whole life there’s really just one human male that you trust and want to spend time with. Your Lewis.
I love my Lewis. He plays with me, gives me treats, even takes me out running. I thought that this was the only human male I’d ever really need in my life. Like human girls think they are going to marry their dads. …
Florence visits the ranch and is aghast at how uncool Wiley is in the car.
(read in the voice of Florence, which sounds uncannily like a 14-year-old Claire Danes)
I love my life in the city…it’s, like, full of energy and stimulation. The dogs on my block…they bark all. the. time. Bekah gets really really upset when we try to join in. I just wish she would, you know, relax?
It’s really stealing my joy.
I’ve been in trouble a lot lately. It just seems like everything I do (eat) upsets Bekah and Lewis. I just can’t get it right. Apparently I can chew on sticks and toys, but not painted wood or vines or little trees? Those things are just asking to be eaten. They’ve only been there a couple of months and they are totally flimsy.
It’s so much easier when we go to the ranch. There are like no rules out there. I feel like I can just…breathe?
Every trip to the ranch starts with a car ride, which is great, because it’s the only time when Bekah and Lewis say that I am better at something than Wiley. I mean, obviously I’m faster and prettier. But they always say that Wiley is the good dog…except in the car. I am really good at riding in the car. I even jumped in by myself this time. Once. The other time Lewis had to lift me in like usual.
Bekah can’t lift me in anymore because she’s getting…fat? Round? I don’t know what’s wrong with her. Wiley says she’s having puppies, but I don’t see any evidence of this.
Anyway, Wiley is a basket case in the car. He get’s waaaay too excited. It’s so…like….I’m embarrassed for him. He needs to get that under control. Delilah (the cool dog next door) can totally see him muttering and drooling all over the place like a moron. That’s why I play it cool and just lay down. I’ve been riding in the car my whole life. I’m just not impressed.
At the ranch, we get to run around ALL DAY. It’s all we have to do. And there are treats. And the Ranch Labs are there to admire how much fun we are. Cody gets involved sometimes, but Bella just shakes her head and makes disapproving looks. She’s very “classy.”
I love the ranch so much.
This time, it was Christmas, and so we got PRESENTS! Before we left I got some Chum Treats from my friends the Walkers. They taste so good. Made with real salmon. And Bekah has to hold her nose every time she tries to feed them too us, which just makes me even more excited about them. She’s not a “high taste” person like me.
But then, when we got to the ranch, as though that wasn’t enough, Judith gave us ribs. Again, Bekah was not so excited about the look and smell of them, but she’s such a stick in the mud about these things. I loved my rib. I went and found a special place to enjoy it all day.
Special treats are another thing that makes Wiley act weird. He gets nervous and looks at me like I’m going to, like, attack him and take his special treat. I HAVE MY OWN! Obviously! I don’t need yours. Until I finish with mine. If you haven’t eaten or buried it by then, well, it’s your fault for being slow, and I’m going to come and steal it. That seems…fair, right? It seems fair.
In the end, we loaded back in the car. Wiley was still a mess. Sigh.
We made it home, and I have never been so tired in my whole life. I forgot to beg for food, that’s how tired I was…and we went to sleep with happy dreams of Christmas with our favorite (though still a little overzealous about furniture and plants) people nearby.
In which Florence explains her favorite things and goes on an adventure.
(read in the voice of Florence, which sounds uncannily like a 14-year-old Claire Danes)
Okay, I’m like waaay to old to believe in Santa. I gave that up when I was, what, 10 weeks old? Something like that. I had my first birthday last week though, and I laughed at the memory of myself last year, totally believing in Santa. I was so…young. Sigh.
But I still love Christmas. And there’s this song, it’s not really a Christmas song (according to Lewis and Bekah), but people still play it at Christmas time, so doesn’t that like, make it a Christmas song? I don’t know. Anyway, it’s about some woman singing about her “Favorite Things.” Wiley says that we should boycott it because the woman talks about dogs biting, and she should be singing about how petting dogs is one of her favorite things.
I mean, I agree…but still…I like the song.
So in honor of Christmas, I decided to think about my favorite things. Yeah, so there are two things I love in this world: people hands and food.
Note: corn tortillas are not food…I hate corn tortillas. Wiley likes them, and he always swipes mine because I don’t eat it fast enough. But that is neither here nor there.
Wiley waiting to snatch my corn tortilla, which I am sniffing, because really, that does not smell like food.
People hands. The pet me, they taste salty when I lick them, and they deliver food (and then they taste like food when I lick them).
Food….I. LOVE. FOOD. (except corn tortillas)
I love peanut butter. So much. And that hand holding the peanut butter jar…it will now taste like peanut butter. I will lick it when she tries to pet me.A reminder to everyone just how much I have always loved food.
And you know where those two things come together? Napkins. People hands and food, in one convenient, shreadable, delicious rectangle of grease, sauce, and seasoning.
Plastic spoons: Next best thing to napkins.
So I’ve been really bummed at Bekah and Lewis’s newfound vigilance about leaving paper towels, tissues, and napkins lying around. All I want for Christmas is a well-used napkin, preferably one that was used at a bbq.
Why no paper goods???
So the other day, Bekah put the leash on me. I love the leash. It’s the first step in all our best adventures. And she DIDN’T put Wiley’s on. So I knew it was going to be a special walk and NOT a trip to the vet (which is always more fun on the way and not as fun in reality). I get to go on special walks. I don’t want to, like, rub it in or anything. I mean, I don’t want to make Wiley sad…but…I really love special walks. Bekah and Lewis both pet me the whole time. Even though they are sort of grouchy about it and they make me sit more than we actually walk…still…I just love being special.
I got really excited while Bekah was putting on her shoes. Why didn’t she do that before she put my leash on? She knows I can’t be still once the leash is on.
So we headed off toward the river. That’s what we do on our special walks. We go to the river and I get to look at things (that are NOT for chasing), and see people (who are NOT for greeting), and smell plants (that are NOT for eating or pooping on).
But this time the air was different. There were shiny things and unfamiliar green, needly, plants everywhere. These are not native to my back yard. And Bekah and Lewis have none of this twinkly, greeny Christmas stuff in the house. Bekah keeps talking about it, but it never appears.
Anyway…so we’re walking…and then, at the top of the river, where we usually turn around…we just didn’t. We walked up into the tall buildings and suddenly we were surrounded by…PEOPLE HANDS and FOOD!
Everywhere. It was, like, my Christmas Wonderland. The Pearl Farmer’s Market. Nothing but people hands and food.
Then Bekah and Lewis got two Chinese Chili Dogs. If you imagine all that sounds delicious to a dog, that’s what it is. That’s why it’s called a dog. I wanted it so bad. I just…couldn’t…contain…myself. So Lewis had to tie me to his chair. I still did my best to express my desire for food and dislike of being excluded…I mean…isn’t this special walk for…me?
Oh my gosh. Lewis’s hands are going to taste SO GOOD after this.
I thought Bekah was going to give me some of her Chinese Chili Dog…but then I realized that she’d just poured some water in the tray to “quench my thirst.” I DON’T WANT WATER! I thought. So I tipped it over and tried to lick the remnants of sweet pulled pork and Chinese spices off of the dish. Not the same.
Then we left. And there was no special food for me! My Christmas Wonderland was not so magical…until I saw it. Fluttering against a landscape rock…a white morsel in the wind…a napkin.
It was the best napkin in the world. Eventually Lewis pried it out of my mouth, but not before I got a Christmas size helping of my two favorite tastes: people hands and food.
Back to the boring old water bowl, and dreaming of the wonderful farmer’s market napkin.
(read in the voice of Florence, which sounds uncannily like a 14-year-old Claire Danes)
My people are sort of boring. They have NO piercings. NO tattoos. They never even change their hair.
Brown hair. Yawn.
They call it being “natural,” but I’m like, “what is natural anyway?” I mean, is natural just about having the same skin and hair you were born with? Delilah next door says that’s stupid because our skin and hair change all time. So what’s the big deal about changing it a little?
There’s this chow down the street. He’s totally cool, and a little scary. And he has this amazing blue tongue. Wiley says it’s the blue tongue that make people think he’s cool. (Our people say it’s because he’s so fluffy and lazy).
On Friday mornings, Lewis has a bunch of guys over for Bible Study. Wiley and I are to be neither seen nor heard. Milford Dogs.
This is me being neither seen nor heard.
I hate being away from the people, with all those hands available for petting.
Me when I’m not being pet.
So we were locked in the utility room with Lewis’s drafting table and all the cleaning supplies. Cleaning supplies are of no interest to me. But on the drafting table…there was a pen…a Pilot Precise V7 Rollerball Pen, to be exact …I could see the ink inside swirling around…and it was blue.
Wiley casually mentioned that it looked just like the blue chow’s tongue. He said that he had a delicate constitution or he’d eat the thing himself to turn his tongue blue.
Well, he does have a delicate constitution…but I don’t. It was a little messy, and Bekah and Lewis were, well, furious. But sometimes you have to make bold moves and try new things or you’ll never know how cool it really is to have a blue tongue.
In which Florence faces peer pressure from her brother.
(read in the voice of Florence, which sounds uncannily like a 14-year-old Claire Danes)
Sometimes Wiley and I totally get each other.
And sometimes it’s like we’re two different breeds.
Sometimes he’s like, the bravest, coolest, guy. He’s all confident… and swaggering… and peeing on everything. The trainer said that Wiley enjoys “marking his territory” more than he enjoys fetch and the other kiddie games she made me play. So she just let him. Everybody just lets him. Sometimes he marks me…and I just don’t even…I can’t even stop him.
He just lays in the room like he owns it…
Wiley’s so cool that PROFESSIONAL ARTIST sketched him once, at our house. by Jacinto Guevara
while I’m constantly finding myself awkwardly in everyone else’s way.
I don’t understand why yoga mats are not for sharing.
He’s just sort of…over it when it comes to food. He never begs. He never chomps Bekah’s hand when she gives him treats. It’s just…not a big deal to him. I get so excited I jump in circles, fall down, and then end up biting her hand. And then I’m in trouble.
One day he asked me to keep a secret for him. I promised I would, because I want him to think I’m cool. Then he broke out of the fence. He goes through Delilah and Henry B.’s yard like it’s nothing. Like Henry B. is not the scariest dog on the block. I’m just scared that one day, you know, he’s going to get into trouble. Not just because Bekah has to go running down the sidewalk in her nightgown screaming like something off of “Real Housewives of Appalachia.” I mean real trouble. What if, like, ACS gets him?
Here I am worrying about Wiley, waiting by the front door.
So I told Bekah. Then Wiley was mad, because I broke my promise. But sometimes being a good friend/sister means doing things your friend/brother doesn’t like.
So… yeah… Wiley’s, like, totally brave. But then…it rains. And suddenly he’s a complete mess. There’s drool everywhere, he shakes, he hides in the shower. He has to wear this ridiculous shirt, that only half-fixes the problem.
And then I’m like, well, I guess maybe we all aren’t so brave sometimes. I’m afraid of maracas. Wiley’s afraid of low barometric pressure. We’re all just sort of a mess, but we’re family.
In which Florence resists the natural processes of getting old and lame.
(Read in Florence’s voice, which sounds uncannily like 14-year-old Claire Danes.)
My people depress me. When I look at their lives I just think, “That’s…it? Why are you so lame?”
That’s what I’m doing all of this for? All of this “sitting” and “staying” and “get off the damn couch!” So that I can be a slave to the leash? I’ve seen pictures of my people as…whatever little humans are called…hummies? Anyway, I’ve seen pictures of when they were young. They had so much promise.
They ran around naked. They pooped standing up. They laid down to eat.
What happened? When did they just start working all the time? Why all the extra…stuff? Like silverware and toilets and people-only furniture. It’s so lame.
Mom sits in her office all day! I could easily chew on a tennis ball for that long. She never chews on anything. It’s depressing.How much more fun would it be to all lick our own butts together???
It makes me want to be young forever. And just, you know, roam the world. Like Delilah next door. The one who plays under the house. She gets out all the time. Wiley does too, and sometimes I think he hangs out with Delilah when our people aren’t looking. They poop where they want.
How much better would this awesome picture be without my leash? Leashes…why???
Except…I heard them talking today about how they went camping. Apparently they pooped outside. And ate with their hands. I don’t think they ran around naked, but I blame that on their pink skin. Not everyone can be black and tan.
…
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